think i realized that my ideal job is really something that combines IT and Art, working with a museum of contemporary art or something, finding new ways and new modes of expression with technology. like that stint i did for the Block Museum, what could be more fulfilling than giving a new voice and new presence to an artistic and expressive minority, one that could be considered avant-garde and breaking conformances

plus you meet the weirdest people (and because of that the most interesting too), with the most fascinating ideas and are just so passionate about what really is just about expression and individualism, and have an inherent understanding and appreciation of modes of expression, which otherwise may be pointless and have no practical purpose.

and they have the most interesting fashion sense too.

but then on the other hand you don't make a whole lotta money at museums do you.

and we argue, constantly
disagree, about everything
distance, nothing new for me
i feel uneasy, under this thing
thoughts away
the heavenly

and darkness falls in my eyes
and days are far from rosy now
and if i asked for the sky
would you still shelter me
when the sky falls

saw an episode with an uncannily sweet ending message ..

*scene: butters crying by the ditch after being "dumped" by "gf" (who is really a cheap slut working in a diner paid to flirt) surrounded by goths who are pissed at life*

butters: no thanks, i love life, and yes i'm sad, but i'm really happy that something can make me feel that sad .. its like, it makes me feel alive you know, it makes me feel human, the only way i can feel this sad now is if i felt really before. i guess what i'm feeling is like a .. beautiful sadness ..

just like what i said all along, life is a balance, and extremes lead to opposite extremes. but why shy away from it, why shy away from being badly hurt if that means denying yourself the capability to be extremely happy.

too many people seek sheltered lives hiding away their "delicate" souls and/or hearts encased in what they hope to be indestructible and indiscoverable. yet why do we claim our hearts and souls to be "weak", just because they have the capability to hurt or suffer? or is not the capability to hurt and suffer part of what makes something alive? and is not strength and perseverance characterized by the ability to survive and pull through strife?

is not an athlete's strength and will-power determined by how far he/she can endure, even in the face of pain and fatigue? or is an athlete automatically termed "weak" once muscles start aching? it is neither the heart nor the soul that is so weak, but rather the mind and the spirit that is weak in its will to take risks.

and what soul may survive the suffer of confinement and the loneliness that is brought?

hi there

i feel uneasy. uncertain. restless. uncomfortably unknowing directions and paths. unsettled. complexities of thoughts and emotions. unsure with no stability to rest my feet or prop my soul. i tug at my own leash but it refuses to respond, choosing instead its own, unseen, unfathomable path. or having a path chosen for it. matters not.

feelings are complex issues to deal with. especially when the situation refuses to unveal itself and at least give you the comfort of knowing what feeling or emotional reaction needs to be manifested or dealt with. emptiness and voidness. rawness and gnawing. anxiety and agitation. disquietude and inquietude. mental malaise.

fatigue.

funny what drives people. one may lack the energy to step away, yet have the drive and motivation to keep going. paradoxical. conflicting. mutually existing dualities. emptiness and voidness is worse than direct pain and hurt.

don't want to wake up another morning only to be disappointed again by the void.

lack of control is unbecoming.

ever get the feeling life just sorta screws you over. like, you're sitting patiently and it leads you into delusions of having seeming semblance of control and hopes of good tidings when really lurking behind the shadows is a disappointment that awaits the opportune moment when your hope and ideas are at a pinnacle and then it strikes. and as you fall to the ground and the strength within you nurtures the ability to deal with such a blow, a second and third strike follows, which you realize are merely precursors for the final, fatal blow.

or perhaps even not precursors but rather subtle yet potent combinations that together deliver a torment made worse by the nurturing and cultivations of false hopes and delusional aspirations. the passing of which brings the dawn of a new cycle of hope and hurt and despair.

Heraclitus said:

Listen to the Logos everywhere always.

Spurn false myths that maim human life.
Life without strife is eternally impossible.
Awaken to the wonder of Power here now.

See the undying drama of opposites.

Rejoice in the eternal procession of Power,

Learn to live in harmony with the Whole.

Love the everliving Fire

life is strife. life is defined by strife. woe be those who fail to see the unity in experience.

ok its been a while i know

apparently some ppl have been reading my last anais nin quote and figured it was a sign of some obsessive loneliness and depression. while i appreciate the caring thoughts, be assured that it was merely what i took to be an interesting and beautifully written quote and no i'm not about to jump off the 60th floor of the twin towers :p

and A's starting to freak not just me but C out as well .. the other day he msged me and said something like .. you're a good friend or good company or something like that. and i couldnt take it anymore and was like, dude, get off me man you're freaking me out. so now he's buggin C, apparently smsed him at 3am, woke the poor guy up and was like, what are you doing this weekend, and invited himself along.

man this is the kind of attention you want from a cute chick. ugh.

anyway i've decided i'm sick of dealing with people. peopel are lazy, argumentative, self-indulgent. people do things half-assed, refuse to take initiative, responsibility or ownership. Its one thing to bring issues forth for open discussion and mitigation, but people don't. People bring things up and forcefully ask you for solutions on how to cover their asses. People take one look at you and immediately assume you're out to screw up their work or lives. when really it's their own lack of willingness to cooperative that sabotages themselves and their doings.

people suck.

http://www.necroticobsession.com/gothname.html

Apparently my goth name is: Morbid Mistress. or Angelic Scars.

or Midnight Fantasy. I think i like that one.