"....Last night it was hot and I was leaning on the sill of the open window in the living room. Then my imagination got the better of me. A single idea had taken possession of my dreams, a thing I had never, never thought of, an emptiness that I had never felt. I was alone and something was missing. I knew that I wanted someone who would love me and whom I could love with all my heart. It is an image or an idol that my dreams have created and that I am searching for in mortal form. Does [she] exist? And there, under the starry sky, the smiling moon, face to face with a horizon that doesn't go further than the end of the street, with my head in my hands, I sent a very sad prayer into infinite space: Love me, someone!...." anais nin

computer's up

now to downlad realplayer and burn some mp3s

and i'm still waiting for my pay. my pda keeps buzzing to tell me to pay my car loan. gotta survive another month :) wheres my credit cards

on the plus side, we finally finalized .. (sounds redundant doesnt it) a start that for the u-know-what project. finally you-know-who and you-know-the-other-who will quit bugging me on this. W is an interesting character to work with though, his first reaction to anything is always "what, why would i want that/do that/need that/let you/they anywhere near that system"??? and your first instinct is always to be like "yeah you're right what the hell was i thinking??". just gotta snap yourself back to reality and be like, wait a minute, yeah we need to do that.

i also notice that upper management has a tendency to stop listening to you talk when they're thinking or pondering something. you gotta learn to recognize the "phased out into own world" look and just shut up then and wait for them to say something.

L says i need an de-egoxiatian. or something like that. so she's gonna come by and do that tomorrow. :)

eye-to-eye gaze-intensity conversation (edited for conciseness and to account for short term memory)

l: do you think you're sexy
s: i could be
l: what is it about you that makes you sexy
s: confidence is sexy. how do you define sexy
l: you didnt answer the question. what is it about you that makes you sexy?
s: *pause*
l: *gazing into eyes* ... you eyes .. you eyes say a lot
s: what do my eyes say
l: that you want something. that you want to kiss me. with tongue.
l: that you want to fuck me. or you want me to fuck you.
l: *gazes deeper, cocks head*. you like me.
s: what makes you say that
l: you like me. perhaps more than you think you should
s: *silent*
l: is what I am saying true?
s: *looks away and smiles*
l: *smiles* now you eyes say you're hiding something. are you afraid to like me?
l: is anything i'm saying true? partially true? partially false?
s: maybe probably partially true ..
l: but more probably?
s: maybe ...
*pause*
s: and what if it were true. how would that make you feel
l: *smiles internally* .. makes me smile at night. makes me want to spend more time with you
l: makes me think about you more. thinking about you gives me a little tingle down my spine
l: makes me smile at night
l: also makes me somewhat uncomfortable
s: uncomfortable of what?
l: with the way you look at me sometimes. its ... overwhelming
s: *looks away and smiles*
l: hmm .. what are you thinking
s: *smiles* .. i think its time to go ..

got my maxis bill .. apparently I spent RM127 on international calls last month. funny how they add up haha. and then i spent another almost hundred bucks on about 500 smses (heck I know to who). funny how they add up to haha. wait how the heck did i end up sending 500 smses in one month?? haha.

btw if you cant tell, the "haha" is an attempt to diffuse my anguish and frustration and disappointment at not finding any billing errors. apparently i *AM* just really high maintenance.

i saw L yesterday .. she came over after work and she was sorta hungry and not feeling well so we went to get a bite to eat. think she's working out too much and not eating enough to sustain it. haha was kinda funny, though, was almost like feeding a poor orphan who hasnt eaten in a week. then we came up and had tea and just hung out, exhausted as heck.

she said she likes my company and my sarcastic sense of humor, cuz its almost like hers. and i make good conversation. and my nose aint flat and has character apparently. and i like kisses. and, come on, i'm just so damn gorgeous heh.

then she was like .. so how do you "use" women? actually made me ponder for a bit .. I came to the conclusion that if i just took you to movies (ie as a pre-event before going home and taking your clothes off haha) that probably means i'm just using ya, cuz i dont have to talk to you at the movies.

pg was being a bitch yesterday, something about not being over me and me inadvertantly pissing her off by talking about my dating life. and of course when i don't say anything she's like "oh no, i want you to tell me the truth no matter what i wanna be your best buddy i dont want you to keep things from me etc etc". what the fuck woman, make up your god forsaken mind. its been like 40 years or something.

driving me nuts.

i dunno why i even bother.

oh i was chatting with s today, she told me she fancies girls too, i was like, heh, another one. why am i like surrounded by bi or almost-bi women: l, s, sb, d, a, f (eventhough she refuses to admit it). oh wait what am i saying, thats a good thing, wohoo!

right .. so i've been finally scheduled to meet with A on Friday. which just plain sucks because what the hell am I supposed to do till then? and How the heck are we gonna get everything sorta out by the 1st week or March??

so valentines day was nice ... went for sushi at genkis .. wanted to go for desert at chillis .. rich chocolate cake topped with a scope of rich vanilla ice cream, smothered in a thick, tantalizing coating of chocolate sauce and caramel. but then there were 6 billion people waiting in line at chillis, so i said, lets get some ice cream and brownies and go somewhere quiet. and it was quiet. and nice. just the two of us. *grin*

and then around 10ish she said something about sympathy (emphasis on pathy as a reference to pity) for the bf who's apparently sitting at home alone. left at 11. why am i not surprised.

she said i have an innocent, virginal look on my face. i was like, wtf?? but then she said my eyes are playful, like "come play with me, i know more than you think". and makes her wanna know what i know.

virginal? haha .. suurree.

seeing her again tonite.

the restlessness is back.

i think its a halo effect from the travel fair this weekend, which I decided to avoid at all costs since I don't have any money to book my Rm2000 trip to egypt. why join the rest of kiasu-malaysia in a pointless stampede. im not a mindless twirp.

of course, that doesnt explain why i joined the other half of kiasu-malaysia at the ikea sale.

just posturings, delusions of imagined self-importance. or a psychotic apotheosis of the mind?

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, 'Phhh, you mean like last time?'" —Jay Leno

Reflections on a Mote of Dust

“Look again at that dot. That’s here. That’s home. That’s us. On it everyone you love, everyone you know. Everyone you ever heard of, every human being who ever WAS lived out their lives. The aggregate of our joy and suffering , thousands of confident religions, ideologies and economic doctrines, every hunter and forager, every hero and coward, every creator and destroyer of civilization, every king and peasant, every young couple in love, every mother and father, hopeful child inventor and explorer, every teacher of morals, every corrupt politician, every “superstar”, every “supreme leader”, every saint and sinner in the history of our species lived there – on a mote of dust suspended in a sunbeam."

"The Earth is a very small stage in a vast cosmic arena. Think of the rivers of blood spilled by all those generals and emperors, so that, in glory and triumph, they could become the momentary masters of a fraction of a dot. Think of the endless cruelties visited by the inhabitants of one corner of this pixel on the scarcely distinguishable inhabitants of some other corner, how frequent their misunderstandings, how eager they are to kill one another, how fervent their hatreds , Our posturings, our imagined self-importance, the delusion that we have some privileged position in the Universe, are challenged by this point of pale light…"

"Our planet is a lonely speck in the great enveloping cosmic dark. In our obscurity -- in all this vastness -- there is no hint that help will come from elsewhere to save us from ourselves. It is up to us. It's been said that astronomy is a humbling, and I might add, a character-building experience. To my mind, there is perhaps no better demonstration of the folly of human conceits than this distant image of our tiny world. To me, it underscores our responsibility to deal more kindly and compassionately with one another and to preserve and cherish that pale blue dot, the only home we've ever known"

Carl Sagan
Excerpted from a commencement address delivered May 11, 1996

ok so apparently i hit my maxis credit limit again. which to me is quite impossible considering that I just dumped 200 bucks in there not two weeks ago. Which means that I charged 200 bucks to my account in 2 weeks? That's impossible, i've been consciously NOT calling people as much as possible and sticking to SMS. ok fine so there's a couple of Kb or Megs of wap charges (thanks to my pda), but according to my data counter and calculations that should only be about 10 or 15 bucks.

and there's no way i sent 600 smses over the past 2 weeks. ok so i made up the 600 ... sounds about right though assuming worst case to non-maxis lines at 20c per sms, 600 smses = RM120.

but of course the lovely people at Maxis customer service are kind enough to inform me that there's no way to review itemized call charges before the next statement. so i just gotta suck it up and pay something to get my line reactivated.

at least they were nice about it. i guess its not the customer rep's fault anyway .. its maxis for not implementing an on-demand usage view feature. i mean how hard can it be? all the charges are in there anyway in some database, just write a stupid query that'll look up all charges from the last statement until today, dump it to a HTML page. whats more or less how they'd have to generate statements at the end of the month anyway. except for the HTML part

unless that data is sitting somewhere in some remote server somewhere which just is not accessible in any way from a web frontend. which seems kinda silly.

the reason I ask is because I remember AT&T not having the same feature either.

anyway I am broke. just paid my portion of the condo deposit. so i calculated after my credit card payment checks clear i'm gonna be down to three digits. well ok 5 if you count cents. and its another 2 weeks till payday. 2 weeks of cheap lunches, locking myself at home, and avoiding CD and/or DVD stalls at all costs.

oh the pain. sure, "its an investment" you say. "pain now, gain later" you say. well, true. but what do i do about the pain now?

L asked me out for valentines. apparently her *darrling* bf is working then (seems kinda fishy-odd to me actually). no idea what we're gonna do. I actually wanna go to the movies, i havent had time for cinema in ages .. but she watches all the new movies in advance thanks to her movie review job. i'm probably too poor for dinner too haha.

ckx: part of the problem with christains
ckx: is they're so gullible
DigDug: ckx: isn't that why they're christians in the first place?
ckx: heh good point

heh a little blasphemous today :) come on can't ya take a joke

Metaphysics asks: What makes something real or not real? If all that exists is matter and motion, what is a mind? Can a computer like Agent Smith, Neo's nemesis, have a mind?

Epistemology asks: What is the nature of knowledge? "Skeptics say we can't acquire knowledge by means of the senses, because we can't be certain that what our senses tell us is true," said Schick. So how can we be certain that we're not living in the matrix?

Ethics asks: What makes something right or wrong? Is all that matters in life having good experiences even though you're a "brain in a vat," or the kind of choices you make?

Is perception of choice all that matters? Or is absolute truth the point? And how would you differentiate absolute choice with perception of choice? How would you differentiate the illusion of control from absolute control?

Is ignorance bliss?

another weekend gone. yesterday I got compulsive and bought myself a nice dvd player. i knew i was stockpilling all those dvd for a reason. anyway i'm fully converted, there's just no going back to vcds anymore. the clarity. the sharpness. the realness. you can almost smell the silver nitrate.

so yeah the Gr. decided not to go out of town this weekend. damn gr. always screwing things up. heh ok fine what am i complaining about i'm the bad guy in this scenario aren't i?

she's nice to snuggle with. says she loves the way i touch her and i hold her. mmm. so do i. :) haha she looks so cute snuggle under my blanket, with just her eyes showing.

mmm .. compartmentalize.

oh yeah she said she isnt seeing anyone else. well, except the gr. guess he counts too.

so whats my goals for this week. get that #$@!@% project on the move. I have one week to get everything ready for starting on Monday. of course all this depends on the level of coorperation the P-side is willing to provide. heck its bad enough N took half a week to finally get around to getting more information on moving forward with things from me. apparently she's not going to be around on tuesday either. #$!@#$@# them. $%#$!# them all.

otherwise poor S from M is going to have my neck and my arse for postponing things again.

anyway now that i've made a contribution to the household and bought a dvd player, i'm gonna trade the hifi in my room (with the busted cd player) for the sony one in the living room. i think its a fair trade. then hook up the dvd player to the hifi and now we're in business

signed the SP and all those other legal documents today for the condo, damn my full name-as-in-IC, so freaking long. couldnt stop laughing about it too, heh i gotta work on taking signing ceremonies seriously ... you know, for future reference, when i'm a CEO or MD or something. can't be laughing my head off in front of the press.

then again ... laughter masks anxiety of the what-the-hell-did-i-just-do/buy realization. doesnt it.

haha i had a consensus with M that the reason why we get along so well is because a) we're both gorgeous and b) we're both so messed up and screwed up that no one else can stand us

ok well i thought it was funny.

haha

so apparently mr bf might be away for the weekend. and she has something on at midvalley. would be much more convenient for her to go from my place. i mean yeah sure .. subang.. midvalley .. maybe a little further away. but hey like she put it, my bed is comfy, she'll definitely be well-rested for her thing. definitely. plus i could drive her there, else she'd have to take the LRT. we can't let that happen can we.

hey i'm just being considerate here. trying to be helpful ya know. :) yeah. helpful.

and apparently today's my dad's birthday. wohoo (*sarcastic*). did i mention apparently someone was trying to kill him. apparently he got into a piff with some not so nice people. and the best part is, my first reaction was, "geez, now what". just can deal with him, its just too much drama. what's that song ...

No more pain
No more games
No drama
No more drama in my life
No one's gonna make me hurt again
No more
No more tears, I'm tired of crying every night
No more fears, I really dont wanna fight
No more drama in my life

ok maybe not that dramatic. but you get the idea.

Oh, it feels so good
When you let go
Of all the drama in your life
Now you're free from all the pain
Free from all the games
Free from all the stress

you get the idea

heck he didnt remember my birthday. whats the big deal about his. mom's making me go down there though, just to stop by. might as well, shut the old man up.

Ad wrote about me in her journal. at least i think its me, (but where'd the "H" come from in "SH")? or maybe i'm being presumptuous :) but then again "don't be a moron" is trademarked, isnt it? i kinda feel for her, I think i've been somewhat there and I know how hard it is and how much it sucks when your head's telling you one thing and you heart's telling you the other.

or as someone put it, think with your head. the problem is, which "head" is current elevated higher?

ok how many people go that joke .. raise your hands and pat yourself on the back for being a dirty bastard :)

its nice to connect with people though. isnt it?

i'm pissed off about something. dont ask me what. i don't wanna talk about it. sucks.

so here i am sitting at home. alone. man i even cleaned my room.was getting late (early morning tomorrow). she wasnt feeling well either, although i guess that's partially my fault (although i still maintain it takes two pairs of lips to kiss :p)

anyway its just casual. thats it. besides, she's obviously still in love with the guy. despite all the bitching and complaining. why else would she still be so insistant in trying hard.

i think she's trying too hard, and he just isn't. theres only so much you can do, a relationship is supposed to be a two way thing, isnt it.

anyway i'm staying neutral and .. well .. trying to keep my mouth shut, althoughi'm so damned opinionated that i cant of course :)

asked her why she liked me, she said (after some thought .. yeah thanks babe :p), its cuz i'm laid back and just cool with things and go with the flow. yeah. i am. so compartmentalize and screw all that emotional, am-i-falling shit. she's fun to hang out with and do stuff with and do stuff to. she's an attractive, intelligent young woman that I wanna ravish on a daily basis. whats the big deal.

oh yeah. put up those shelves. right in the corner over my head. hope they hold, else i'll wake up with a mouthful of plant dirt.

finally got that damn *squeek squeek squeek* in my car fixed. at first the guy said something weird about it might be some absorber thingy. the blur look on my face prompted him to pull me outside to this car with an open hood and pointed to this rubbery thing that sits on top of your suspension. and i was thinking .. its a little plastic rubber thing, cant be that xpensive. so i asked him. he said, "dunno, maybe a couple of hundred". i was like, wtf? cant i just cut some pieces of rubber somewhere?

then he took it down to the actual suspension guys, at first they were like .. hmm absorber problems. great, so now i have to change my absorbers, how the hell much is that gonna cost

turns out they just needed to tighten something. i guess they screwed up somewhere when they installed my springs last .. month (heh, whoops). didnt cost me a thing. well, RM30 .. that was for the front skirtings i stuck on. hey, it was only 30 bucks .. i though it would be like 100+.

and then of course they locked my keys in the damn car. that was smart. i always knew that was going to happen someday, with my auto-lock alarm.

ok .. 2nd of february ... 23 more days till payday. just need to get through february. yeah. february. after all, i did get my .. errmm .. RM 34 "raise". "wohoo"?